8 years ago...

As I walked down the isle, to my forever with you,
I was so excited to see you, to say I do,
I was so overwhelmed, with the love that I felt,
I new that I was walking towards my future,
I had no fears or doubts,

You take me as I am
All my fears and flaws,
You love me when I am on my highs
or surviving through my lows,

I take you as you are,
All your fears and flaws,
I love you when your on your highs
or surviving through your lows,

8 years on,
Surrounded by our little ones,
Busy and tired, and sometimes a little lost,
It gets overwhelming,
but we have each other, we have our love,
we have the trust, in our God above.

I will always remember,
the moment I said I do,
It has changed my life,
Only for the best,
I love you, I cherish you,
I will grow old with you

.

The Season of Chaos..

I am pretty sure that when Dec 1 hits, everyone changes, I see more stress, more chaos, more people fighting to get things done, I see more people struggle and I see people feeling the social pressure to keep everyone happy..

I think in all of that it can be really easy to forget why we all celebrate Christmas, We spend an entire month stressing for a day that is really about coming together as a family and Celebrating the Birth of Jesus (not all do and I respect that.)

I encourage you to be focused on those around you rather then what you need to fit into your trolley, try to focus on those you love rather then those who are bringing you down.. Don't stretch money where money simply cannot fit and don't feel guilty and if you do have that bit extra maybe dig deeper and maybe pay it forward..

I encourage everyone (including myself.) to Take a calm approach into this season, which I get it is hard! but with all that is going on in this crazy world, lets not let Christmas be a season of stress, let it be a Season of Joy!

Dreams

I have many things I want to do in my life and Some i may never do and others I already have..

When we moved here I new that doors were going to open, I new that we were going to have a better life up here, While there are parts I miss like I mentioned in my last post, I feel like we have a whole new world of opportunity up here.

Apart from always wanting to be a mum, I have also wanted to be a nurse, One day I think I would like to also be a midwife, but I have always wanted to do nursing, to look after people. Because I never completed year 12, I have always had a road blocks stopping me from applying, self doubt being a major one..

I have tried to study different courses since having the kids, but none of them I have loved, I have struggled to stay motivated and just not really felt like it was truly what I wanted to do... I was choosing these easier courses because I thought nursing was never really going to happen..

So a month ago I mentioned to drew that I really want to go to uni, I want to experience the uni life of making friends and studying and having that set time for me to learn, I shared that I really want to try and follow my dream of nursing, with his encouragement I started to research universities..

So I got into contact with someone from Careers Australia and enquired about there Diploma of Nursing, over the phone the person took all my information and then invited me to an open day which was yesterday, I had to sit a LLN test and if I passed that I would be in. So i studied up like crazy and did as much maths as my brain could handle as that is my biggest down fall.. I have to say about a week ago leading up to yesterday, I had a strong feeling that I was going to get into the course, because I new that it was meant to be..

So I got there and heard about the course and I instantly felt very fearful about it, What if this is too much? what if I cannot handle the study? what if the kids need me? what if I fail the test? ect... Then the teacher shared her reason why she became a nurse, she shared the story of having to nurse her own child, and while she originally had no idea why she had such a strong desire to do nursing, looking back now she could see why.. and just like that it reminded me of why I was sitting in that room..

I have a dream and Its been a dream for a long time! It is time to let go of fear, it is time to believe in myself, in who I am and who I can be..

Doubt is not welcome.. So i sat the test, did it with ease and gained Entry into Nursing!!!!

I have lots of what if's wondering in my head, I am far away from family support and still getting to know people, I think i am faced with challenges ahead, but you know what, I can do it.. because I am meant to do it..

Bring on this season, of where I am pursuing my dreams.. I am so excited! I am so excited to show my children that Mummy can pursue dreams as well, and that they can also!

I am not worthless, I am not useless..

I am so excited!

Life

This week has been a really long week..and I have been doing a lot of reflecting in the chaos of it all..

We are almost at 6 months that we made the big move to Sunny Queensland, I can still remember the day that Drew found out he got the job in Brisbane, the amount of joy we felt knowing that we were going to be entering a new season..

I will be really honest in saying there have been many moments that I have not had much joy about being here, Leaving my friends and my family has been much harder then I thought.. I do miss those moments of being able to just sit with a friend till all hours of the night and chat away, I miss being able to go just down the road to visit my friend.. I miss the worship that I had at my old church, I could go on and on..

But what do I love about being here? What has happened since moving here?

The biggest thing I have seen is Drew getting better, to go from being so close to needing an colostomy bag and constant trips to hospital and operations to now being on the other side of being almost completely better from his issues has blown us away, the surgeon and nurses that have been treating drew have been so amazing... If I could put a reason down to why I believe we were meant to move here, I feel that Drews health was a major one.. I have seen such a change in Drew such a boldness that he never had before.. He can be anyone here, with no past assumptions or doubt.. To see him believe in his abilities as much as I always have and to see him live that out.. I am so proud of my husband..

For me, I am still trying to find my place! I have made some beautiful friends, who I cherish so much.. I love the church that we have become apart of and I love seeing the kids grow and build there confidence... I am going to the gym and doing my best to eat well so I can get the weight off... Next week I am sitting my entrance test for nursing,  I am so excited and nervous and ready to start the journey of becoming a midwife..

The day that drew got the job in Brisbane, is the day our lives changed, is the day that doors opened for us..

Life is hard up here and I have my moments of doubt.. But I look back at our lives in ballarat and compare it to here and I see that we are closer and happier here.. I don't feel held down by the past..


I am excited to see were we go from here :)

New Seasons..

Well..

It is crazy to think that 10 months ago I was holding my fourth baby, Little Evelyn, 6 pound 1 oz.. It is funny I don't remember what the other kids birth weights were, but hers I remember, I remember almost every detail of her birth... I tried to take it all in, so that I could replay it and remember it..

I have been on a journey these last 10 months, its not just been life with a new baby to our family, It has been life of our last new baby in our house, It has been the first of lasts, and I must admit, It has been the most wonderful and heart aching 10 months I have had to go through..

Maybe it will sound silly, But I really have had to soul search and allow myself to cry and deal with the sadness that comes with the knowledge of knowing that I won't have anymore babies.. That there will be a whole new season for me to face in the coming years.. I won't be pregnant again, I won't breastfeed again, I won't bottle feed again, I won't experience that process again..

It has been hard to let go.. because for 6 years, it is all I have known and experienced.. and I some days I am barely breathing and other days I am loving every minute..

Today I packed Evelyn's baby clothing ready to post to a friend who is soon going to have twins, I am so happy to be able to pass onto the clothing.. But its something I have been avoiding for some time.. But I feel ready... I feel ready to pack up those tiny moments, that tiny season, and move on..

Packing away her clothing was really hard today, I honestly cried.. But It was tears of joy and thankfulness, That I got to carry her, birth her and have her in our lives, I am so thankful..

I am still in toddler hood and child hood and I have many seasons ahead of me..

Coming out of this season has been very painful, I have cried many tears, Mostly because maybe I am not 100% ready and I am scared of what is ahead..

Cherish Each moment with your little ones, There are hard days and they can suck, actually they can be really shitty and sometimes you just need to drink some wine and relax on those days! But most of us all have children because we want them, because we yearn for them, because there is something inside of us that needs to share our heart with another one aside from our partners...

When I became a mother, my whole world changed, and it has times 4! and I am truly thankful for each of my children, I am thankful that they are well and cheeky and give me loads of joy and often loads of stress!

Bring on what ever is next :)